- DIVORCE IT FROM ANY SORT OF NARRATIVE

Typos: solved/sold, bottle/bottom, sleeping/skipping

I feel: 9 matches, excluding this one
I :286 instances hand-counted, including IFEELS, excluding this section, excluding 'im'&variations because i am a dunce
you :49 matches, excluding this one: I love you

Flight Back

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Tuesday 06.03.2025 1PM straight outside school entrance doors, Lucid. It took 10 minutes to walk and buy and fully eat an ice cream sandwich. The wrapper didn't get to go back inside, failing to evidence why I even left at all. Nobody checked, though. Needless worry.

Today's Music - Re-listening to MANNERS. Tracy Chapman - Fast Car, Give Me One Reason

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SUNDAY, UrgentlyI was re-editing the pinned post of an account of mine and to my own horror realized I have not tracked the full moon proper for the past two months, even though I have been doing so monthly for 2 years now. The next one is the Strawberry Moon, 11th of June, 11:40AM GMT+4

Friday 05.30.25I shower and shower and shower and I still end up all greasy. I fear it is punishment. I asked my mom to let me not go (lied) to school today as exams are over, I told her I was sick feeling with immediate crushing regret and she sent me back to sleep. Mistaking the slam of her room's door with the exit's (hearing ringing impaired by remorse), i lied in bed for maybe an hour before I realized there hasnt been a second slam, meaning she hasnt come back. Despite checking 'Find My' about a billion times, confirming she's home, I feel asleep to the repeating daydream of her getting hit by a car dead because i had lied. She woke me up a couple hour later asking if i was feeling better. Im showering and showering and im grosser than ive ever been. The days go nowhere

Today's Music - ALRIGHT by KITTY CRAFT. I like the lyrics. I really like the lyrics.

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Wednesday 05.28.2025The 28th! Every few days feel like years and years and years and years and years and I still slept yesterday away and do not remember what I dreamt of.
Writing without processing it on paper first; MAY is a deeply, deeply apathetic month. Or maybe we are halfway apathetic. Tuesday 13th (so close) I had deflated andd released all feelings and now all that matters to me are numbers and mechanics and counts of transactions. I have found myself prophetic on two occasions yesterday; secondary angel number NINE that means SPIRITUAL AWAKENING! also love, but that is irrelevant to my cause. The front of my journal now reads: 21 7 8 9 Apr 16-
I sat in the car with my dad blissful Tuesday and he explained to me that some people are born evil and some are born good. Then they are raised good or evil. Then their environment may make them good or evil. I thought of how he once mentioned that he used to believe I was born evil, but landed on INADEQUATE. "Sometimes you act like an alien that is interacting with people off a handbook and is trying too hard to fit in". "There is nothing wrong with you (agreed, general consensus)
I may be as well morphing into that inadequate back and back again, Im realizing my care is slipping, and I now care more by caring less and calculating where more care is needed. My textbook turned to a spreadsheet. Intrusively; it echoed one day first a photographic image right overlayed a passing child of horrible abuse I counted away, then I have thought I cursed them and my vision is reality. I am maybe biased more about believing this, as again, I HAVE PROVED MYSELF PROPHETIC in miniscule one-offs (everything is possible now), but I still feel like I need to be anxious over it under the assumption that its anxiety I have to feel. Otherwise? Nothing. Spreadsheets.
Side-UNSELF-Note: Mirror(softly) was stressed over an upcoming exam, I sat with her. My spreadsheet says "treat others how you want to be treated" & has done so for a while so I helped her calm down, bought her water, and rubbed her back. A guy came up to another one in my peripheral and, PROPHETICALLY, whispered the f-slur staring right at me. I did not know what I was doing came off that way either. I didnt feel anything. I felt good about taking care of her, I think. If she'd done the same to me I think I'd run away, get terrified, short-circut. I feel good completing tasks. Spreadsheet May

Today's Music - Bondage Fairies' 'Cheap Italian Wine' Album

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Sunday 05.25.2025The 25th! It is 3:16 and I keep getting hit with shivers right in my shoulders over something big that I have missed that is there. Today was an empty-headed day. I would write more about life but I lay on my stomach and I do not remember anything previous. Only that my computer science's teacher's preeschool age daughter handmade stickers for the entire class of 4, which now is proudly stuck on the front of my journal. It says "good job", then her name 3 times larger, and I was the last person she gave one to, despite sitting second closest to where she was drawing. I emit something evil (the common conclusion)
I have spent way too long tonight frying my tired tired brain with videos on cultists, ones made in a more respectful and analytical manner than flashy deep-voice narrativised dramatizations (while we're at it, go look up Tor's Cabinet of Curiosities on YouTube. I am in love!) and I wonder sometimes, when I come back to my own esoteric spirituality, so perfectly put up on shelves of uncommon sense, how much do I actually need to be forgiven for. These people lie, they follow lies... in this case you would probably orient on how right it feels to YOU. Which in my case is a bulletproof pin-down that can be justified with any and all text. This is not to relate myself to a cultist, but someone who finds herself unmodernistically devoted to following some myth about my own unique being, thatis unique enough to not be mentioned in modern psychiatry or tagged on tumblr dot com, but not special enough to be the center-of-the-earth singular prophet of the newly odd phenomena I am experiencing. Lucidly(!), I am not even that weird, it is only that the weird parts get weirder than there is space for. I think my brain is beyond my head today and it is thinly glazing every surface. I really wish to go to bed.
----> actually, maybe thursday, maybe friday, some-evening, Do you think your stuffed animals feel your thoughts? I have sworn off touching any because I emit something evil (the logical end). In an act of desperation (still searching for the fictionalized 'mother'; i have not yet ventured beyond the common derivatives such as toys; maybe one day i'll have a film crew in front of my house as i proclaim to be comforted by microwave ovens; or similar) o did turn to hold one, and i felt HATE i felt HATE from her. i whispered sorry and i do not know what for because really i was just holding a toy but she HATED me. It was weird. it was really really weird. Goodnight! Goodnight.

Today's Music - Antlers - Putting the Dog to Sleep. Mike quite likes this one. Inner back of head I can act as a speaker, buzzing and purring quietly enough not to disturb anyone. I have been too severed from everyone I hear. Tonight;Tomorrow;Night; Family time. My family time.

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Tuesday 05.20.2025The 20th! I am petrified. I slept so deep tonight I remember waking up, thinking I have sunk fully into my mattress, dazed, unable to see. I've been sleeping (SKIPPING) class, sneaking out of school, wasting hours around MIRROR around MIRROR. I ended today shaking&petrified, it felt like a bad omen. I'm happy, yes, I AM GUILTY of happiness, (as opposed to; giving myself up to slump forever and ever and ever, wasting time, unjustified), but I had to give up a separate 20 minutes to go into a desolate room and wiggle a fidget and count to 4 and dream and dream and dream SHE! will see all this distress. Now I am not a victim for her I just wish for the impossible and I have done so always. Bought a new item for a stupid $5 dollars&was not there to try it. Ecstatic.

Today's Music - Nothing new, actually. Deftones - Knife Prty

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Friday same week

The chocolate itself tasted rotten. I saved the surprise egg for Riley. The toy wasn't anything to write home about, but he was excited. Thank you mom. I love you too

Today's Music - I looked up '2016' on soundcloud and clicked on titles I recognized, then looked through the pop albums on Apple Music for 2013-2014. I realized I do not know what music my mom likes now, and the last of it I heard back when she admitted to downloading a lot of Bjork.

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Same Tuesday Update: I bled through, and I bled through my underwear also. Not a lot, and it is hideable, but I do not have a spare uniform right now that would allow me to not have to walk around like I just slipped out of the birth canal. Rusty all exactly at the waist. MIRROR annoys me in a very 14-year-old way, as in, she joked about how she wanted me to leave and stop talking to her and so I simply did. Angered with/about/by her I crossed 800m to the park in 10 minutes, mindlessly rushing myself under 40 degree celcius weather, and gone to the park swings. The seat was so hot it burned me from behind, to which I poured water on it, and wiped it with my sweater. My sweater began smelling of maybe weeks' worth of human sweat, but at least the seat didn't burn anymore. I lasted a total of 15 minutes until it got too hot, and by the time I was back near school, I felt like throwing up, but entirely unconcerned. There was nothing except some weird violence that I feel like has not grown, but artificially expanded to make me think like every jealous other. Yet again, I napped almost all of the evening away. I want to read something and feel smarter than I am again.

Tuesday 05.13.2025 I've gone out of the rut. I relapsed, took a nap of about 5 hours, then didn't feel a single thing again. All anxiety left me, evaporated somewhere with not as little as a hiss, today I feel cast of thin rusty blackened metal and i ring when tapped with a spoon. I am a table-top, on-shelf, holiday ornament.
Despite my nap, i have allowed myself another maybe hour of sleep right before it was time to head to school. I had a dream that felt entirely too manifested. I woke up with cold legs and put on my white button-up shirt, and now every step I am threatened to burst and spill red, naked, and put on my sweater, undress for someone -> titillation |. I don't hurt my arms or legs, I go for my stomach, as I value short-sleeves and short shorts too much. I haven't done so in almost a year and it felt like filming an adult tape. Mike was not happy.
Tuesday: I feel control. Tuesday is a day I only have two lessons on out of the entire 6 hours I'm here, and the rest of it will have to be spent fighting my eyelids closing shut forever. I want to loop around now that I can.

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Saturday 05.10.2025Quite a dull day. Went to the library, but left early, because my brother was getting bored. Evening, listened to a few feminist lectures my mom sent me. I thought very little, but felt a lot.
Reading today felt like sitting in a classroom zoned out. It was there, in front of me, and despite not having a lot of linguistic struggle, I had to forcibly push and re-push every thread of thought to see what was said. My brain is CLOGGED. That's what I was getting at.
I do not like to dwell on 'everything is empty', because otherwise, pulling out the reasons, everything will empty even more, but i am overcome with a very neutral envy, where my feeling is misaligned with my logical conclusions. Who are you behind closed doors is a perfectly normal self to have, a self that is formed by bouncing off the small circle you so gracefully invited into your room, but my room is quite empty, and i feel like a see-through window on more days than not. Elsewise, I do not care for being a roomless window. I don't have to spend money on a couch, for example. I can scribble on the walls, and then daydream that one day it will be dug up and - oh terror! - everyone will be overcome with untimely concern. How come it's so dusty? Well, i didnt buy a couch. not furniture, even. It isnt welcoming now and it never was.
I didn't buy a couch, actually, I bought a crib. Once I was watching a video discussing "My Strange Addiction", which, I know is not a very kind thing to be listening to other people re-contextualize something for me instead of using my head, but i also wasn't listening much either, so everything was disregarded for me to just use my laptop as a 'yes' to the continous churn of re-chewing. Did you like my excuse? One episode, one man, "my mother wasn't close to me, wasn't very present". Obsessed with inflatable pool toys, not in a sexual manner. And, as much as my mom isn't dead or much abusive, she wasn't close to me, nor was very present, but my object of desire is much more EMBARASSING! and shameful. Not shameful enough to not clown myself out on a webpage, but shameful enough to re-evaluate constantly. Because, as logical as it would be for a psychologically motherless person to cling to infantile paraphernalia, its not something i can even access that easily. It briefly glazes my mind whenever I reboot, in the kind of perverse detail characteristic of a depraved touchless webpage-only existing dweller, not having a bone in me that treats it sexually, but gets as close to intimate with the idea of warm glass/chest/fed that it feels like it is. I fly out. Almost every night, against my will, one same phrase circles in my head, "MOMMY LOVES YOU". And it's just there. And it feels stupid. And it feels stupid that the only way to feel anything is to be half-asleep with a looping vinyl to plastically tell me "LOVE YOU", until eventually i hear a loud screech&bang&shatter and all that is behind my eyelids is a distorted face, as if to punish me for not devoting my life completely to pointless roleplay.
There's a lot to think about. I've never had a crush on anyone on TV, but I wanted to be their mom. The oldest i'd gotten at was 6, got stuck, shattered, dissilusioned. It feels much more appropriate to confess that at very 8 i dreamt of my classroom being an underground porn studio of deviantart-level cartoonishness, then it ever will be that all my nightmares ever were were cetered around my mom having another child. Replacement, maybe? Children I hear do not react well to being left alone either, and it worries me to be so thinly spread across. I wish I didnt find comfort in what i do. I wish it wouldve been a much more unique attatchment to metal or airplane. I passed a children's store today and felt so sick, as always. -> Would you read that? Page after page of MOTHER?

Today's Music - SNOW STRIPPERS! Time Warp Angels. Also, Poor You by Daniel Johnston. And, please read Sunflower Sutra by Allen Ginsberg.

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Tuesday 05.06.2025 Went outside again today, which isn't common for me to do, not because I dislike doing so, but because I am told 'no' most of the times I ask. Fed stray cats, I always do. Only 3 today, - one in front of a store, and then two regulars in the park. They have collars. They like the new treats much more than they liked the last ones. Meow! Meow! I speak to them so loudly back and my 'kitty' mumbles into a 'kirry'. I've always 'chewed', 'swallowed' my words. I spit them out into your hand now to watch what you do. It's a new thing! It's performance art.
I used to believe my (self-proclaimed) synesthesia only happened with GIFs. I'd hear the same sound over and over and over as it moves, sometimes very unpleasant sounds. It would bounce against the walls of me inside as if trying to echolocate something, met with bristle response. Now that I open my eyes, I can look at lines and hear chitter. I can see a shape and I can sense a movement that ripples through the entirety of me and hits a specific spot. I don't know how many artists considered people like me who will see colors in their lines and hear sounds in their colors. I'm stuck on formulating this, but it feels |complete| to have this LENS. It feels intriguing when it doesn't.
There's a girl in my class that is my only friend, very loosely so. I, admittedly, will consider you a friend even if we last spoke a year ago, and never since, and maybe I've even been avoiding you, but thinking of you on the side. SATURDAY 04.26.2025 I dreamt of her twice at that point. She's heard things I'm scared to tell anyone else. Why? Because she is a mirror. We speak to each other and I hear myself. beat-for-beat; I ended up weirder, and she counts calories. It's a little silly to find a person that is so YOU this much more important over anyone else, but I spoke to her once, and she told me she's over it. Everything WE have ever been through, she's over it. I spoke to a mirror and it said 'I'm over it', and suddenly, I realized I'm over it too. I suddenly realized I'm over it too and today that I am re-born* she is back here again. She told me, one evening, it was the most fun she's had in years. I'll think about it. I don't want to know if she's over that too.
I've spoken about this before (DELETED/NEVER PUT DOWN/PRIVATELY MULLED OVER), but, as much as we are who we love, I love very little, so I am a collection of a few jagged brush strokes, and could probably be punished for plagiarism. I re-read this page and I feel holes. Fill holes! I fill holes. I'll ask again: which color am I on your skin, what pattern? Where?
This is quite long, but that is what I get for not posting for a whole entire 3 days. I've lost my ability to write on paper like I used to and I have switched the color of my pen to yellow, a rather unique color that is not often used for writing.
Tuesday 05.06.2025I feel LATENT, which I completely missed the definition of and presumed it by mouthfeel to be quite gooey |latex| stretched out and diagramed, but the (paraphrased) definition of existing but not yet materialized fits me quite well. I meant to say cast; I am homogenous today. I've dried and they peeled me out. I am a deep light pinky purple, or baby blue.
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Side-Self-S-S-S-Note (STARRED): Inside me, I've been re-born too. Two days I was stuck in Gusher's 'womb', and today I've been let out completely after metamorphosis. For a brief while I was 11 years old and I felt scared. Now, my entire bottom half jitters and everyone stares at me weird. I haven't spoken to Riley in a bit. I want to kiss his head over and over.

Today's Music - Sparklehorse's Saturday, Adrianne Lenker's womb, Hop Along's Diamond Mine. While we're here, listen to Adrianne Lenker's blue and red horses.

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Friday 05.02.2025 More tips: stop looking inwards. Or you'll never ever be able to describe anything except your innards, which are not very interesting, and frankly, many of us have innards. A lot of them. Tuesday has been devastating and so is Friday as I seem to have been affected by thought patterns in a way where they become solid and lodge themselves between the back of my skull and the back of my brain so it feels heavy, and then it shoots the same breath-catching demands every time I am not preoccupied with something else. I am not looking forward towards the weekend because my mind is clogged with FLYERS. FLyers that lie about every single given thing
More tips: decrease "I"/"Me" language. Very good tip. Very good tip especially when the I/Me is a puzzle that you just must update everyone on how far you've sold it. Latest developments include reading archives of spiritual websites because, less-lucidly, it is of course posession. "There may be the attractive temptation, rather than integrate these and remain consistent in their life committments, to separate themselves from their difficult earth experiences and accompanying circumstances and persons, as belonging to someone else's life." - Jody Boyne

Today's Music - The Year 13's last day. They were blasting their own music. Just a few meters away, the upper floor cafeteria stand was playing something else too. Result: Cacophony!

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Tuesday 04.29.2025 I worry! I worry a lot. Here's a tip: everything exists to be able to weigh something else against it, which justifies everything that exists. This is often applied to art&related, but you can tell ypurself that whenever. Even for bad things. Even if you do something badly or wrong, someone else gets too see it and think, "i can do better than that". And work on themselves. "I can do better than that" have this ever crossed your mind? I'll be down here, kicking ball once you get better.
3-day art exam, two days in. I do not have enough detail in my work to justify 15 hours, so I've been drawing people around me. I am quite surprised at myself&my arm&my hand; drawing is particularly fun when it feels like a puzzle, even if the rigidness defeats the whole entire purpose of marking paper at all. I'll scan them, sometime. The scanner we have does not wish to accommodate the light pencil strokes&erases them completely.
One day I'll let you in. Diagram my findings (all split in 3s). Are you excited? Something is being done, finally. Journal note: "Leg fell asleep! two minutes. How much use is this to anybody"
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Side-Self-S-S-S-Note: inside vision replaced by a child's. Filling an all-about-me worksheet produced nothing at all! Not even a name. Everybody is annoyed

Today's Music - You're not allowed headphones during examination periods

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Saturday 04.26.2025Yesterday's note: Slept through midday, again, and noticed a pattern, it's the 3rd time I've dreamed of someone being so close I can feel&remember the feel of their skin. None of them I've had the opportunity to do so with, until now. It's good.
my hands do not listen to me much anymore today and something is severely wrong somewhere where it shouldn't be. Nothing that I want to say translates; paper text mind I am scared. I can still talk but it is exhausting. I have never been this hungry

Today's Music - Passion Pit still. I need to listen to new music but I do not seem to ever have the time to give myself up fully to pay mind to a new album.

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Wednesday 04.23.2025 Bought an easter cookie on my walk that was shaped like a freshly hatched chick and ate it head first at the edge of a highway and thought it was way too sweet and honestly I mostly bought it for the sticker anyway

My phone fell and the screen now has a strain of green lined across right edge. Sad, because I've only had to lose a phone twice in my life. One just stopped turning on, and one I passed down to earn this one. It's a sad goodbye, because I feel like I had not given this one much justice. My dad ran down its battery and its phone case is yellowing despite being a solid color. It looks sad. I'd wish it was more ceremonious, a final unresponsive (SLEEK) black screen one day, but that's a selfish desire. As much as the lines are annoying and as run down as it is it's inhumane to assume that every passing will be convenient. It strains my eyes and it looks sad because I look at it, and I see something that is to be rejected, that does nothing BUT strain my eyes, which that would obviously be sad if it were to be rejected, especially for something as trivial as that. The good thing to do here is to not make it feel rejected. It's done well for what it was, it's done really well. I'll miss you

Today's Music - took a nap and dreamed of two people loving each other and woke up startled by dinner