04.04.25 Friday 2:59AM Between today and yesterday I have slept a total of two hours, which does not help at all with not exisiting through a 3rd, because it happens to weave itself thoroughly into mechanized behavior. I am a strong contender for what must be the pinnacle of vicariousness. It feels selfish to admit that everyone I ever loved I have had to become to appreciate. Then, that skin-stretching power-wash from one hole to the other leaves the unnaturaly polished wall to let guilt cling to it. Guilt bunnies under bed. I won't take you at face value if I love you. When I was 12 I acted 6 because my brother was 6 and now I act 6 because it's been 6 years since I was 12. Just a month ago I had been envious of someone else. I would compare them to bus stops but it's been ages since I've been on a bus.
There are drawbacks to being impulsively less "you". Doubting authenticity, for example. Everything builds upon other but you grow concerned with plagiarism. Just in a month's time I have metamorphosed to have a pattern so uniquely disturbed you can probably peel off individual influences, then point out how disingenuinely they clash. Just in a month's time I had forgotten all about who January was. I wish to reach a point where that would be freeing.
Music - Skå-Edeby + Girls Are Sick by Bondage Fairies
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